The Perils of Soup and Long-Distance Relationships

Long-distance relationships can be very dangerous things.

They can cause you to talk to yourself excessively around the house and daydream during meetings at work. You can spot a long-distance relationshipper a mile away; they always start glancing at their phone every few minutes after 8:00 pm, and when it rings, they break into an idiotic grin and rush out of the room to take the call.  They are liable to go MIA and ditch you for an entire weekend if that special someone is coming for a visit.  They like to say, “Oh, I should take so-and-so here next time he’s visiting!” just when you thought they were paying attention to you and all the fun you’re having together.

These observations are sad but true.  But they are not likely to cause permanent damage to anyone or anything.

A little-known fact is that a long-distance relationship can destroy your electronics.

Lest you believe me not, I offer an eyewitness account. The people involved are, of course, no one I know.


L: [settling down in front of computer with a big bowl of warm soup] Mind if I eat dinner while we’re talking?
J: No, go ahead.
L: [sudden inspiration to show off her cooking skills] Wanna see my soup?? I just made it! It’s curried lentil vegetable! [begins to tilt bowl toward webcam]
J: Uhh, don’t spill it on your–
L: Eek!
J: –keyboard.

[Giggle fit.]

[Paper towels.]

[Scrub scrub scrub.]

[Click. D falls off.]

J: Is everything OK? You just sent me “asfgfvcxzasdfgvcxzasdfgvbcxz” on chat.

L: Yeah, everything is fine. [fiddling with the D] Just fine! [swiping at the keys] I’m going to eat my soup now.

J: OK, but I don’t want to see it!!!



D finally snapped back on. V and X remain a little crunchy. Laptop is pleasantly fragrant.

Relationship?  Oh yes.  That is doing fine, too.  Well, there are probably a lot of soup jokes on the horizon.

But then again, what’s a horizon without soup jokes?

That is the question.


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